Will I Be Damaging My Soul By Doing This?
I’m widowed for over 5 years and am writing my memoirs due to failing health and the need to explain my actions to my children and grandchildren. It began as a simple explanation of who, what, where, when – but then I realized that I wasn’t being honest and that I would have to be more forthcoming about my emotional detachment.
I had never stopped loving the girl whose heart I broke to marry my wife (Biggest mistake of my life) and how that love eventually became a sickness that I filtered all of my life experiences through. I have delved into areas of my emotional weakness and even failed suicide attempts – all due to the fairytale love that ruled my existence.
I don’t want to interfere with this woman’s life – but I do want her to know that I never stopped loving her – and that that love helped to sustain me through the most difficult times in my life. I want to be sure that a copy of my memoirs be given to her after I am gone – but I am torn between the selfishness of that – and the belief that she should know how deeply I loved her.
Paul,
This makes me sad, and the only thing i can give you and feel as of right now is sympathy. I am very sorry, and as all humans, we make small and large mistakes. I can tell that you are a strong man, and that you still care about her. The most important thing is that you have a big heart, and you are loving and very caring. Paul, if i were you in your situation, no matter what outcome, you need to talk to this woman, if you still know where she is and how to contact her, you need to tell her the same thing you told us, but a bit of your personal thoughts and words. Even though life has moved on for you, there is always going to be forgiveness. You must talk to her anyways you can. I knew someone in your situation. He had a successful marriage and had many kids, but at the end, he betrayed them all and he married someone else he only knew for three years. We all eventually make mistakes, but we cannot live life even if we have a short or long time to live, we cannot sicken ourselves. I know you must be feeling upset, anger, and sadness, but you need to let it go, let it go right off your shoulders, don’t you know the hardest part is over, let it in, let your clarity define you in end.
And if you do not want to interfere with this woman’s life, how are you ever going to have the feeling of relief, if you want to talk to her about it so bad?
I know like you said, you are torn between the selfishness and the belief that she should know how deeply you love her, but no matter how hard this is going to be, you must take a risk, and you must give her knowledge of how you feel.She might be upset at first, but she will soon realize and forgive you, and befriend you.
Life is hard, full of hard choices, and sometimes we make mistakes, we do things we cannot control, but Paul, we cannot go back in time, we cannot fix our problems years ago has been made, we can only heal in time, and reach to the ones we’ve hurt, because at the end, everything will be okay.
Your thoughts are in my prayers, everything will be alright, do not be afraid, do not be upset, and do not do anything that will harm you.
Just take life moment by moment. As we get older we learn to live less for future results and more for the pleasure the moment brings us. Just take the love you have, detach it from the object and experience it and the beauty that is the world in this moment. It may sound corny but it really is all we can do and it is the best thing for the soul, for the soul is only concerned about this moment, always; nothing else exists for it.
You could not have truly loved this woman whom you rejected to marry another. If you had have loved her you would have married her instead, and could not have bared to break her heart.
As for your love for her sustaining you through your darkest hours, that was just your imagination allowing you to feel a stronger ( fantasy ) emotion for the relief of the moment.
Maybe it is time for you to be strong for others and stop making everything about yourself for your childrens sake at least.
You need Juliet to be Romeo!0!
What do you think will do more damage to your soul, truth or lie?
Wake up and smell the coffee, bro!0!
just do whateva u wanna do
Yes
I don’t believe you or the motivation for your actions. It’s like more of the same.
You might want to do some reading from the Alcoholics Anonymous, it sounds very much like one of the steps, “made a list of persons I had harmed” and “made amends directly except when to do so would injure others”.
Only you can decide if this soul cleansing is really going to do anyone any good, or if it will open a stinking can of worms after you pass.
Sometimes people dont like to know their heroes had flaws. some things are better left unsaid. If this would help someone, then do it. But be sure first. Don’t do it just for your own cleansing, think of others.
By your despair, sadness and depression you are damaging your soul already, it is now up to you if you want the damage to continue or to stop.
It can stop if you become truthful to your self. To lie to others is bad, but it is even worse when you lie to yourself, because when you lie to yourself long enough you start to believe it and who will tell you the truth?
The love you think you had for this woman has since gone, what you are experiencing is self-lose, self-pity, self-recrimination or regret of what you did or fail to do.
What I think you can do is face the reality of the loss, self-recrimination cannot turn back the clock, what has happened has happened, tell yourself the truth, face it, forgive yourself and live on.
Your sin to this woman is not as big as you take it and it is not unforgivable. If you have God (I hope you do), talk to Him about it and He will lighten your burden, wish you luck for the rest of your life journey