What Can I Say To Help My Newly Pregnant Friend Who Says She’s Depressed?
I have a friend (I’ll call her Samantha) who recently found out that she is 7-8 wks pregnant with her 3rd child at the age of 40. Sam is in great health, is married, financially stable and loves children. Her other 2 children are 3 and 1 1/2 half years old. She also has two step-children ages 8 and 13. Sam says that she’s depressed because she doesn’t have the energy like she did in her 20s, is tired “all the time”, not sleeping well, has “to do everything” herself and is married to an (emotionally) unsupportive husband. Both adoption and abortion are out of the question for her. She calls this an “oops” baby.
The last two times Sam got pregnant and including this time, she told her husband the news and he was upset. Her husband has now fathered 7 children (2 others were before the 2 stepkids). Her husband refuses to get a vasectomy because he says it’s all the women’s doing in all of them whom he inpregnated.
Sam’s sister Alisha accused Sam of being “stupid and irresponsible” for getting pregnant again. Alisha has only one daughter and has struggled with fertility issues. In other words, her own sister did not offer supportive words — only scolded her.
My friend Sam is upset that she is bringing another child into the family and feels that she’s the only one who truly loves her children. Sam says that her husband is sometimes loving to the children but is not a supporting husband, especially during her last two pregnancies. Sam says she wants to get on an antidepressant and very depressed with the thought of going another pregnancy and birth.
I encouraged my friend to talk about the possibility of getting on a very low dose SSRI antidepressant. She doesn’t feel like hurting herself or anyone else; she merely feels sad, sleepless and like there is endless family-mom slavery ahead for her. Sam always wanted a big family, but not now in her 40s.
Personally, I think she’ll be happy about the baby when it’s born. WHAT can I do or say to help my friend through this situation? Mind you, she lives in another state so I can’t see her often. I also realize this in not my problem to solve, but I still want to be a source of support for her.
Thanks for any helpful ideas to this situational question.
I would say it’s important for you to remember that even though you have an idea of what the smart thing to do would be (perhaps leaving him), what Sam really needs right now is someone to stand by her, no matter what she choose, no matter what the consequences.
She’s NOT getting that from her sister, and I would suspect that her own family is not that supportive in general. But we’ve lived with our families of origin so long, we have no idea that they aren’t supportive when they act like her sister. All we know is that it hurts. The result is that we can’t form a rational plan like, “Don’t take this stuff to my family of origin.” In addition to the current stress, it probably triggered a bunch of old wounds with the sister/family as well.
Since I know you, KK, I know that one of your greatest skills is that you are a good listener. I don’t just mean that you will be quiet while someone else talks. I mean that you have the ability to discern Sam’s “chief complaint” in the moment and to reassure her that her feelings are appropriate.
A lot of people try to make friends’ hurt feelings (sadness, anger, blame) go away. Maybe because they don’t like to see their friend suffer. Maybe because that suffering hits too close to home and make the helper uncomfortable.
But I’ve come to believe that what we really need is to know that we’re doing okay—and feeling sad or angry or frustrated or tired is the PROPER response in this situation.
None of that will make Sam less tired or solve the problems in her relationship. But it might be just enough fuel to keep her going a little longer. If the stars align just right, she may find some radical solutions herself. If not, well, that’s when life pushes us to the edge and we find the radical solutions because we have no choice.
Well, that’s kind of a rambling answer. I have more coherent thoughts on the subject, but it’s late, and my Tylenol PM is kicking in. I’ll share more later.
Good luck!
Just be there for whatever decision she makes. You can’t choose for her and you can’t tell her whats wrong and right. You already know this so… Just do what you’re doing.
Sorry I can not offer anything except to tell you that her hubby needs one hell of a swift kick where it hurts. He calls himself a man?
Well, you keep doing what you are doing. Be a supportive ear. Ask what you can do, maybe.
Also, unfortunately, many women experience depression with all the extra hormones. It is very unfortunate dad is like that. Boys (he isn’t really a man in my books) like that give my gender a bad name.
I hold in great esteem all pregnant women, not just the one I impregnated, and it saddens me to hear how much extra they have to bear because little boys can’t man-up.
Too bad she didn’t figure him out before she made a life-time commitment to him.
Stay supportive, tell her you know that she can do it.
Suggest that she start seeing a counselor. is she religious? I know there are lots of great Christian counselors who have dealt with this, as well as secular counselors. She sounds like she really needs someone who is not associated or partial in any way, and can just listen.
You seem like a really great friend! She is very lucky to have a friend like you. Please continue to support her in any way you can
Pregnant women are able to take low doses of Zoloft, so maybe she can ask her provider about that. make SURE she tells er doctor what is going on.
Remember, you are a great friend!